A theory on Acceptable Behaviour

I read a theory on the net the other day that made me look at the concept of shyness and vanity in a whole different light. It went something like this:

Shyness is a state of thinking where you value other people’s opinions of you too much, so much so to the point that it stresses you out and creates nervous pressure in social situations.  But if we are to take that definition in the same strain as vanity, we could say that shyness is a kind of vanity. Why synonymise them when they seem to be polar opposites? Part of the definition of Vanity states that its existence is also dependent on caring about what other people think of you. I.e., a typically vain person uses other people’s opinions of him or herself as a means to make themselves feel better. So it could be said that shyness, which also cares too much about other’s opinions, (when they shouldn’t!), is a cowardly form of vanity!

Harsh words, I know, but there is some truth in them. It can’t be said that the solution to all this is to not care about what others think of you; however much that might seem like the most obvious answer. Unfortunately that will breed another kind of bad behaviour, that of the over-reaching do-gooder, as I like to call them. One who goes out of their way to make sure that they don’t need your approval for their paths and choices in life, to the extent that it disrespects your own. It is enforced upon you and thrown in your face in a brave defiance of disregard, such that it defeats the purpose of its original intent, i.e., they would only be satisfied if they made sure that they have offended you in some way, which is an opinion in itself, theirs upon your actions and beliefs.

So, how do you simultaneously not care about other people’s opinion of you yet treat others with the respect they deserve so as to keep your social circle intact? One way is by categorically splitting your actions; what you say and do, how you appear, and how you treat others, into positive and negative ones. Positive actions are ones that don’t harm anyone, and you shouldn’t care about what others think of them. If you feel like wearing pink shorts, then you should wear pink shorts and to all be damned! Negative actions are ones that do harm and therefore disrespect others. E.g., Wearing fur will incite negative reactions whether you like it or not, because of the implication that you condone animal cruelty. These should be taken into consideration regarding the opinion of others and the effect it will have.

A small amount of empathy applied to every questionable action you are planning will go a long way in making this decision. Being able to quickly categorize them into positive and negative acts will then help you decide if they can be carried out or not regardless of the machinations of others. This will provide a modicum of justification that will help boost your confidence when confronted and questioned by those around you. If this helps someone conquer their shyness by even the smallest degree, then it will have been an improvement. The same can be said of someone who is vain, if applying this process will help him or her realize the after-shocks of their behaviour to those around them.