Noisy Neighbours Syndrome

By Rami Abdo

Sleepless nights? Splitting Headaches? Nervous tantrums? You probably have Noisy Neighbour Syndrome (or NNS for short). It’s a widespread disease that afflicts everyone, similar to the common cold. All of us will catch it on various occasions of our lifetimes, and there is no real definite cure for it, although people do try everything. You may speed up the healing process with modern day medicines, but most just let the disease run its due course and fizzle out of the system. The more times you’re inflicted, the more your body develops an immunity to it. Common cold aside, there are the usual answers to defeating an NNS; The cliché calling of the cops; the expected banging on their door and pleading for blissful silence. But these methods have been tried and tested, and frankly too boring to write about. So here are a few diabolical schemes to undertake for the eradication of those called the scourge of silence, the bane of bliss, the pestilence of peace, the cursers of comfort, the virus of virility, epidemic of the environment, and so forth and so forth...

1. Wake up at six in the morning after the neighbours had a late night partying (at your sleepless expense). Set up your most powerful speakers so that they’re facing the culprit’s bedroom window. Make sure they’re so powerful that they can knock their socks off. Plug in anything from Metallica , Guns N Roses or anything remotely loud. Death Metal is even better. Sit with your feet up on your balcony, press play and enjoy the show. A nice twist is to do this right after their party, when they’ve all just hit the hay. When the sound wave sends a tremor through their shutters and their brains, and they come out kicking and cursing, you have a glorious variety of declarations to choose from as your reply. Here are a few of my favourites, but there are so many more that can be conjured up.

“Justice is served.” (in a calm tone)

“I’m sorry, does loud noise bother your sleep?” (in a sarcastic tone)

“Let it be known that whenever said (add neighbours name) holds upsettingly loud parties till the late hours, then said (add your name) will retaliate appropriately with deafening reciprocity. My word is law” (in an official tone).

“I wanted to confide in you with something. I can’t sleep.” (in a worried tone)

“MWA HA HA! AH HA HA HA!” (in a sadistic tone)

2. You need the aid of a relative or friend for this one. Also, you have to be slightly of your rocker, and there has to be somewhere they can all see you while they are all frolicking noisily; A balcony is perfect. In the middle of their racket, run out onto the balcony like a mad ape. Shriek at the top of your lungs, slap your head, shake the railings violently. Picture Dustin Hoffman in Rainman during one of his primal tantrums or any of the cast in planet of the apes.  It should be enough to get them all to drop their jaws and stare at your insane hopping. After a few moments of your adrenalin pumping, terror instilling display, your friend/relative runs out to comfort you (Mum is perfect for this). She calms you down by stroking your hair and whispering soothing words in your ear. She takes you inside as you whimper and then comes back out to the balcony to tell the neighbors that due to your ‘condition’, you get unstable and unpredictable with loud noise. Have her mumble something about how the last time it happened was really tragic. Give them about ten seconds to switch of the radio and their racket. Fear is a powerful tool indeed.

3. This may sound inane but if you can’t beat em, join em! Find out when they’re holding their little merrymakings. Then arrange your own! Invite more guests, play more deafening music, basically whatever they do, you do more of it. Show them who’s king of the neighbourhood. If you’re bored to do this, try gate crashing their gatherings instead. Pretend you came to borrow a cup of sugar (at 1 am) and nudge yourself in. Then become the most obnoxious party pooper alive. Make sure they comprehend that you will come to every one of these parties. Let’s see if they hold any more.

4. They want a war!? They’ll have a war! Collect an arsenal of water balloons, super soakers, pellet guns etc. Compliment it with a regiment of frenzied younger brothers, cousins, nephews, other frustrated neighbours, anyone willing to play army. Divide your forces and command them to silently occupy key areas around the unsuspecting noisy neighbour's borders. Then unleash your host in a major attack, preferably with yelping war-cries and banners furling gloriously in the wind. Leave no prisoners. When the cops arrive, innocently announce that you were merely protecting the best interests and safety of your home. Deny any allegations that you were searching for oil.

5. This will only work on newly arrived neighbours, as long as they haven’t seen your face before. Borrow a cop’s uniform, or even creepier, wear a black suit, black tie, and black sunglasses outfit. Knock on their door the day after their deafening display of animalistic rituals and produce some forged documents: A badge identifying you with the department of noise pollution correctional facility and a warrant stating their alleged offence of the code-violation 1182 of the public code. The first time is a warning. The second offence holds a fine and a prison term. You know, some of this stuff could be true.

  

There you are, a few perfectly reasonable solutions to a perfectly unreasonable problem. Good luck to anyone with the guts to try any of these out and good riddance to the noise that they manage to dispel. Remember, they might not be as effective as calling the cops or politely asking the usurpers to quiet it down, but they sure as hell are more fun.