Why We Hate Praise

By Rami Abdo

A simple word of praise can go a long way in making someone’s day great. Or does it? Although giving a compliment seems like an honest enough expression, some people I know don’t like to be verbally rewarded for their actions, appearance, or skills; they may even go so far as reacting negatively to it. Why is that? I donned my thinking cap on and racked my brain to figure out the different thought processes that go through someone’s head when they’re on the receiving end of flattery.

When someone gives you a compliment, it means that they’re labelling you. They’re putting a sticker on you that say’s you are this or that or whatever. Even if this is something generally positive, it also means that you are ‘stuck’ with that label. The thought of being seen in this specific way by one person may not be the end of the world, but imagine if it spreads to your social groups. It can be downright harrowing to realize that you will be seen that way by everyone you know from now on. In the case of celebrities this is seen at its greatest level, since it’s practically everyone on the planet that see’s them in such a specific way. It creates an expectation that you have to fulfil and it forbids you from changing freely since you will be judged under a microscope by the all seeing eye of your society, whether it is just your friends or your fans. I personally don’t like to be viewed as a specific archetype; I’d like to know that I can become a ‘different’ person whenever I want without being scrutinized for it. Constantly struggling to remove these labels off your personality can be a gruelling and exhausting task.

We as human beings naturally strive for perfection in everything we do, whether it involves putting on our clothes in the morning or performing a repetitive task at the factory. We have this tendency to learn from and improve on the things we do, big or small. This push for efficiency never really ends unless some kind of limit is reached, whether it is natural or practical. In a way, a compliment is a sort of limit as well. It basically tells us that what we are doing is good enough, that we don’t have to work any harder, that this is our best. Seen in this way, I can understand why admiration can be viewed with a negative light; our push for perfection hates to be quashed prematurely.

In parallel with the above, there is a similar thought regarding the limits of our potential.  Take for example an up and coming painter. He is well versed in his field, so he knows of the capabilities of those artists he looks up to and he is also aware of what he can do. He aims for excellence so that one day his art can be looked at with the same awe as a piece from da Vinci or Boticelli. He gazes at such art and calls it amazing. If someone who is not so knowledgeable looks upon his own painting and also calls it amazing, it creates a conflict in the painters head. How can his own work be amazing when he knows that the greats are so much better than him? In this case, it matters not only what the nature of the compliment is, but who it came from as well.

Your personal history with your interpersonal relationships can certainly influence how you take to compliments as well. If you’ve been verbally abused during your earlier years, then people’s opinions of you may no longer be welcome, whether they are well meaning or not. The body’s defence mechanism forces you to reject praise since you have grouped all types of opinions together as a ‘negative’ experience. The same effect may happen if you have been pushed too hard, commonly seen by parents who push their children to excel in school, without realizing the kind of pressure they are putting on them. These children grow up believing that they are never good enough, so praising them in their adult years may only trigger these welled up emotions more than anything else. Being falsely complimented and subsequently hurt as a result can also create certain trust issues. Any genuine admiration will always be taken with a hint of salt after being manipulated in such a way in the past.

There are many other factors that influence us whenever we are seen in high regard. A mixed bag of emotions usually rises up inside us and that can cause confusion more than anything else: Modesty, egoism, and pride to name a few. You may not know how to react to admiration and appreciation, perhaps you feel you don’t deserve it or don’t need it. It’s completely understandable then that some people avoid it like the plague and hate on it when it confronts them. We are not simple computers that have automatic responses to specific commands. We are as diverse as the countless pebbles on a vast beach, each with its own shape, weight and hue of colours that make us entirely different from our neighbour. Each needs to be handled in its own way, so take heed next time you offer up a compliment or word of praise; the recipient might not take it so lightly!

The Conflict Within

By Rami Abdo

Social conditioning is a funny thing. It is defined as the process of training individuals within a society to accept the norms, customs, morals and ideologies of that society so that they may be seamlessly integrated into its functioning structural framework. In basic terms, it is what society teaches us to be right or wrong. This code of conduct is based on the specific culture, history, and environment of that social order, formulated to sustain and protect itself and control its members, thereupon making it a set of principles that is extremely subjective and prejudiced.

More importantly, this conditioning is usually in direct contrast with our own instinctual judgement that is based on our own experiences and views that we mould during our lifetime; our gut feeling so to speak. This is where conflict arises within us, creating the confusion that spearheads a lot of our insecurities, complexes, and other guilt-ridden emotions that tear us apart from the inside out. On the one hand, we have been raised to believe that certain things are clearly right and wrong, a picture of black and white that allows no flexibility in between; we are rewarded for behaving righteously and punished for wrongful acts, the rules are quite explicit. On the other hand, our gut feeling usually tells us otherwise, sometimes the exact opposite. We have to process this second set of pure and untainted ‘laws’ that we have created for ourselves and decide which one means more to us. Which one makes more sense? Which one should we follow?

Sometimes the intrinsic and extrinsic line up, although never under the same rules. We know for example that killing another human being is wrong, mostly because the law says it’s wrong. Intrinsically however, we also know that the thought of killing someone leaves us with a sickening feeling in our stomach, so there is a correlation there. But even this example is not so black and white. If someone threatens to kill you or your family, would it be wrong for you to murder that person to defend yourself and the ones you love? Thousands of people are dying every day, crushed under the iron boots of soldiers who justify their bloodied hands with the war-torn flags of their countries, the same countries that say it is wrong to kill. Where does this justification to kill come from? How does its authoritative voice drown out the voice of reason inside us that tells us not to take another’s life? It is the same voice that teaches us the code of conduct that we must follow if we are to be accepted in its society. We are so used to following its orders that we take everything it says for granted to be true, even if our internal processing tells us otherwise.

My point being that both of these sets of principles, internal and external, are constantly changing, adapting and evolving based on our times and our circumstances. They do not follow a logical pattern, nor are they getting better or worse. We consider ourselves to be more ‘civilized’ compared to our more ‘savage’ ancestors, but if those same ancestors looked through a keyhole of time into our modern world, our culture would be just as alien to them as we found their culture alien to us. We cannot be set in our ways any more. We cannot accept that what we have been taught since childhood will be true forever, just as much as we cannot hold on to a certain belief inside of us because we are used to it, even though our body is pulling us in the opposing direction.

So how are we to know which set of principles to trust in at any given moment, since we cannot trust in neither social conditioning nor our own personal conditioning? If we strip away all the conditioning, all the brainwashing, all the norms that we are expected to follow as individuals and as a group and realize to what extent we have been herded by society’s iron grip and our own personal history, we begin to question everything about ourselves: What we believe in, what we fight for, what we value in our lives... But most of all, we come to realize that there is no right and wrong. There is no fixed set of rules that we must follow on how we must act, how we must behave, or how we must conduct ourselves, whether these rules come from within or without.

There is only that...thing...which feels good; that clean unspoiled sensation within us that we must inadvertently follow at a given moment, because every inch of our body tells us to, and to ignore it would be pure folly. It takes us down a path that we have no choice but to follow, even though we know it will be opposed by those who condemn it and by our own doubts.

We surrender to it because we must, because to ignore it would mean to deny our very freedom, our very existence at that moment to choose our own fates. 

Talking Unclouded

By Rami Abdo

What do you even call it? I don’t have a clue to be honest. I’m talking of course about the phenomenon of when your mind is clouded by sexual thoughts when you’re trying to communicate with another person. Even though this is a two way street, I can only relate to this effect when a man talks to a woman, so I’ll focus on that as the main example.

How do you talk to a woman without the thought of sex getting in the way? Let’s take the law of extremes and try these two methods: you either make it really obvious or you hide it really well.

Making it really obvious means being open about it and using a lot of sexual innuendo, speaking your mind no matter how inappropriate and to hell with the consequences. The negative impact of this behaviour is obvious. You will pay for this by coming out as a pervert since you are throwing out potentially insulting remarks left, right, and centre. It can create tension if it’s taken badly, especially if you are so candid with your work colleagues whom you have to see every day. It can set up ‘obligations’ that must be fulfilled, i.e. getting carried away with false promises. It can burn bridges for the future if you are forever labelled by your demeanour. On the other hand, at least you will be able to sleep at night knowing that you have no regrets and you let it all out of your head. It also does wonders to your self-confidence; in a way you become delusional enough to believe in it so much that it pushes you to get out there and take risks, which is always a good thing. There is a modicum of control that you can exercise when practising this display of candour, it doesn’t have to come out as vulgar as it formulates in your head. It can always be toned down by giving it a light humorous edge; as long as it's done jokingly it makes it more acceptable. You can perhaps read the signs of the other party first by dipping a toe in the water to test their limits. Most of the time it doesn’t backfire in your face, women generally appreciate the direct approach as it exudes a carefree and confident attitude.

The other extreme is quite intricate and deceptive, but it is the safer route, which is why most men prefer it. You have to pretend you don’t see her in a sexual way at all, tricking your mind into suppressing all thoughts of desire. To you she’s just another human being and you must not allow appearances to influence the way you communicate with her at all. This not only means whether you find her attractive or not, but it also means you must mask the insecurities you have of yourself too. Being insecure about your imperfections will be reflected out into your performance, showing that you do in fact care. This must be avoided at all costs since women are very perceptive when it comes to reading body language and other such signs. It must look like you have transcended such petty thoughts and are only interested in the pursuit of a non-sexual communication with this person. The benefits of this method are also quite clear. You avoid tension and are able to have a normal conversation with a woman without always wondering afterwards if there was anything more to it. You can come out as a gentleman, women will appreciate you for not objectifying them into sex objects, which they get a lot of and would occasionally like a break from. However bear in mind that they have become used to it and have adapted their social skills to work around it. Thus if they are expecting some sort of ‘forwardness’ from you, perhaps because they like you and want to flirt with you, then your indifference will confuse them. If you are in this mode and are not alert enough to read the signs yourself, then you may miss out on many opportunities. This mode also puts you in the friend zone a lot (when a woman that you are attracted to decides that she only likes you as a friend, usually because you took too long to show her that you like her), so it may mess up future potential interests. Finally, a major disadvantage of this 'method' is that it will lead to a lot of frustration. You are straight out lying to yourself when you suppress your behaviour in such a way, which will lead to a lot of regrets and internal strife that will leave you gnashing your teeth in disappointment of yourself.

In conclusion, it seems that even though most people communicate using the latter process, it harbours a lot more disadvantages than the first. It feels to me that a more direct approach is a more honest one to both parties and leaves you healthier of mind. Even though it adds stress to some of your relationships with the opposite sex, it’s better than the alternative: not taking any risks and feeling sorry for yourself about it. Having a score of unrequited friendships with women because you’re too afraid to reveal your true feelings to them, whatever they may be.

There are a lot of factors that affect which method to focus on, such as confidence level, age, culture, personal history, mood, etc. It seems logically best to find a balance between the two, so that you can lead a relatively stress free life with your social interactions without burdening yourself with unnecessary troubles of the opposite sex kind. Most of the time men are not aware of these machinations taking place in their head anyway, especially when they’re communicating with women that they’re not attracted to. When they do experience an undeniable attraction to a woman, then it usually trumps all the rules anyway and they will be unable to hold themselves back, no matter how reserved they usually are with their actions.