Talking Unclouded

By Rami Abdo

What do you even call it? I don’t have a clue to be honest. I’m talking of course about the phenomenon of when your mind is clouded by sexual thoughts when you’re trying to communicate with another person. Even though this is a two way street, I can only relate to this effect when a man talks to a woman, so I’ll focus on that as the main example.

How do you talk to a woman without the thought of sex getting in the way? Let’s take the law of extremes and try these two methods: you either make it really obvious or you hide it really well.

Making it really obvious means being open about it and using a lot of sexual innuendo, speaking your mind no matter how inappropriate and to hell with the consequences. The negative impact of this behaviour is obvious. You will pay for this by coming out as a pervert since you are throwing out potentially insulting remarks left, right, and centre. It can create tension if it’s taken badly, especially if you are so candid with your work colleagues whom you have to see every day. It can set up ‘obligations’ that must be fulfilled, i.e. getting carried away with false promises. It can burn bridges for the future if you are forever labelled by your demeanour. On the other hand, at least you will be able to sleep at night knowing that you have no regrets and you let it all out of your head. It also does wonders to your self-confidence; in a way you become delusional enough to believe in it so much that it pushes you to get out there and take risks, which is always a good thing. There is a modicum of control that you can exercise when practising this display of candour, it doesn’t have to come out as vulgar as it formulates in your head. It can always be toned down by giving it a light humorous edge; as long as it's done jokingly it makes it more acceptable. You can perhaps read the signs of the other party first by dipping a toe in the water to test their limits. Most of the time it doesn’t backfire in your face, women generally appreciate the direct approach as it exudes a carefree and confident attitude.

The other extreme is quite intricate and deceptive, but it is the safer route, which is why most men prefer it. You have to pretend you don’t see her in a sexual way at all, tricking your mind into suppressing all thoughts of desire. To you she’s just another human being and you must not allow appearances to influence the way you communicate with her at all. This not only means whether you find her attractive or not, but it also means you must mask the insecurities you have of yourself too. Being insecure about your imperfections will be reflected out into your performance, showing that you do in fact care. This must be avoided at all costs since women are very perceptive when it comes to reading body language and other such signs. It must look like you have transcended such petty thoughts and are only interested in the pursuit of a non-sexual communication with this person. The benefits of this method are also quite clear. You avoid tension and are able to have a normal conversation with a woman without always wondering afterwards if there was anything more to it. You can come out as a gentleman, women will appreciate you for not objectifying them into sex objects, which they get a lot of and would occasionally like a break from. However bear in mind that they have become used to it and have adapted their social skills to work around it. Thus if they are expecting some sort of ‘forwardness’ from you, perhaps because they like you and want to flirt with you, then your indifference will confuse them. If you are in this mode and are not alert enough to read the signs yourself, then you may miss out on many opportunities. This mode also puts you in the friend zone a lot (when a woman that you are attracted to decides that she only likes you as a friend, usually because you took too long to show her that you like her), so it may mess up future potential interests. Finally, a major disadvantage of this 'method' is that it will lead to a lot of frustration. You are straight out lying to yourself when you suppress your behaviour in such a way, which will lead to a lot of regrets and internal strife that will leave you gnashing your teeth in disappointment of yourself.

In conclusion, it seems that even though most people communicate using the latter process, it harbours a lot more disadvantages than the first. It feels to me that a more direct approach is a more honest one to both parties and leaves you healthier of mind. Even though it adds stress to some of your relationships with the opposite sex, it’s better than the alternative: not taking any risks and feeling sorry for yourself about it. Having a score of unrequited friendships with women because you’re too afraid to reveal your true feelings to them, whatever they may be.

There are a lot of factors that affect which method to focus on, such as confidence level, age, culture, personal history, mood, etc. It seems logically best to find a balance between the two, so that you can lead a relatively stress free life with your social interactions without burdening yourself with unnecessary troubles of the opposite sex kind. Most of the time men are not aware of these machinations taking place in their head anyway, especially when they’re communicating with women that they’re not attracted to. When they do experience an undeniable attraction to a woman, then it usually trumps all the rules anyway and they will be unable to hold themselves back, no matter how reserved they usually are with their actions.