Why We Hate Praise

By Rami Abdo

A simple word of praise can go a long way in making someone’s day great. Or does it? Although giving a compliment seems like an honest enough expression, some people I know don’t like to be verbally rewarded for their actions, appearance, or skills; they may even go so far as reacting negatively to it. Why is that? I donned my thinking cap on and racked my brain to figure out the different thought processes that go through someone’s head when they’re on the receiving end of flattery.

When someone gives you a compliment, it means that they’re labelling you. They’re putting a sticker on you that say’s you are this or that or whatever. Even if this is something generally positive, it also means that you are ‘stuck’ with that label. The thought of being seen in this specific way by one person may not be the end of the world, but imagine if it spreads to your social groups. It can be downright harrowing to realize that you will be seen that way by everyone you know from now on. In the case of celebrities this is seen at its greatest level, since it’s practically everyone on the planet that see’s them in such a specific way. It creates an expectation that you have to fulfil and it forbids you from changing freely since you will be judged under a microscope by the all seeing eye of your society, whether it is just your friends or your fans. I personally don’t like to be viewed as a specific archetype; I’d like to know that I can become a ‘different’ person whenever I want without being scrutinized for it. Constantly struggling to remove these labels off your personality can be a gruelling and exhausting task.

We as human beings naturally strive for perfection in everything we do, whether it involves putting on our clothes in the morning or performing a repetitive task at the factory. We have this tendency to learn from and improve on the things we do, big or small. This push for efficiency never really ends unless some kind of limit is reached, whether it is natural or practical. In a way, a compliment is a sort of limit as well. It basically tells us that what we are doing is good enough, that we don’t have to work any harder, that this is our best. Seen in this way, I can understand why admiration can be viewed with a negative light; our push for perfection hates to be quashed prematurely.

In parallel with the above, there is a similar thought regarding the limits of our potential.  Take for example an up and coming painter. He is well versed in his field, so he knows of the capabilities of those artists he looks up to and he is also aware of what he can do. He aims for excellence so that one day his art can be looked at with the same awe as a piece from da Vinci or Boticelli. He gazes at such art and calls it amazing. If someone who is not so knowledgeable looks upon his own painting and also calls it amazing, it creates a conflict in the painters head. How can his own work be amazing when he knows that the greats are so much better than him? In this case, it matters not only what the nature of the compliment is, but who it came from as well.

Your personal history with your interpersonal relationships can certainly influence how you take to compliments as well. If you’ve been verbally abused during your earlier years, then people’s opinions of you may no longer be welcome, whether they are well meaning or not. The body’s defence mechanism forces you to reject praise since you have grouped all types of opinions together as a ‘negative’ experience. The same effect may happen if you have been pushed too hard, commonly seen by parents who push their children to excel in school, without realizing the kind of pressure they are putting on them. These children grow up believing that they are never good enough, so praising them in their adult years may only trigger these welled up emotions more than anything else. Being falsely complimented and subsequently hurt as a result can also create certain trust issues. Any genuine admiration will always be taken with a hint of salt after being manipulated in such a way in the past.

There are many other factors that influence us whenever we are seen in high regard. A mixed bag of emotions usually rises up inside us and that can cause confusion more than anything else: Modesty, egoism, and pride to name a few. You may not know how to react to admiration and appreciation, perhaps you feel you don’t deserve it or don’t need it. It’s completely understandable then that some people avoid it like the plague and hate on it when it confronts them. We are not simple computers that have automatic responses to specific commands. We are as diverse as the countless pebbles on a vast beach, each with its own shape, weight and hue of colours that make us entirely different from our neighbour. Each needs to be handled in its own way, so take heed next time you offer up a compliment or word of praise; the recipient might not take it so lightly!